Children Are Quick

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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!

LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

 

Eve\'s story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?'

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain..'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see, where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib? 

Punctuation......

The professor knows best..........

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

Are you ready for this............?

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is powerful. Have a great day! 

Retirement Inspiration

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into pee."

Harold should be an inspiration to all of us. 

Paddy\'s Funeral

Paddy Died

His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

"Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.
"To be sure you're right,"
replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but
£40,000?!!!"

Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500.
The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly.
"For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"

See below

 

What a story...!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled..

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing..

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man..

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

 

Get Back Together With Ex by Doing Some Soul Searching

 

	Search Amazon.com for Dating assistance
Do you really want to get back together with ex? You may have an instant reaction that “of course I want to get back together.” But, you should do some soul searching before you answer this question. There was a reason you broke up, and if this reason or reasons are not addressed, you will repeat the cycle. If you get back together with ex, are you going to be really happy? Or, will you wind up down the same road that got you here in the first place? After you break up, you may be only thinking about the good times. You’ll forget about all of the problems you had. You’ll think about how lonely you are without him or her not how frustrated you used to get with them. After a break up, you need to be brutally honest about what you want out of a relationship. Think about both the good times and the bad times before you make any decisions. Some relationships are not worth saving. If you fought more than you loved, you might want to consider whether there might be a better fit with someone else. Above all, a couple should make each other happy. If you couldn’t do this with your ex, you might want to consider moving on. That’s not to say that a relationship can’t be saved after a break up. If you want to get back together after you’ve done some soul searching, that can be done. The rest of this article will be devoted to getting back together once you’ve decided it’s worth it. One thing that you need to keep in mind is that you don’t want to “stalk” your ex. This is not just following him or her around. It also means not repeatedly calling, emailing, or texting them. Don’t stalk them on their social networking sites either. All of these things make you seem desperate. When you do talk, don’t plead or beg them to get back together with you. Don’t present an aura that you have been “wrong” and you’ll do better in the future. You may be beating yourself up about the things you did in the past. But the past is the past. Now, you want to move forward. At the present time, the relationship is over. You don’t have a time machine to go back and change things. Now, you need to concentrate on the things you can do in the present. Instead, back off and give your ex some space. When you do talk, bring up the fun times you shared and the things you like about them. Your ex may suggest meeting in a non threatening manner. If he or she doesn’t, you can suggest it. Perhaps you can go to Starbucks and have a coffee. It might lead to a “real” date and then you’re back on your way to being a couple again. That’s how to get back together with ex.
Marriage problems? Download The Magic Of Making Up System Improve your sex life with 500 Lovemaking Tips & Sex Secrets

One for the ladies

 

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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Men Are Like

 
 

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2
Men are like.
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.
 
3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
Them.

4.
Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..

5.
Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
For your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.

7.
Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.
Men are like
Government Bonds
..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.
Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.
Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.
Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
Inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.
Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13..
Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
Handicapped.

Heaven and Hell

A man and his dog were walking along a road.

The man was enjoying the scenery,
when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high,
white stone wall along one side of the road.
It looked like fine marble..

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent
gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl,
and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice
water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.
'I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,
leaning against a tree and reading a book.....

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump, ' said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back
toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said.
'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.

Amish Sex

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,

'My nose is cold ..'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!!!

 

Marriage made in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the couple still waited. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all? 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get
married in Heaven.'"

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "

`OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you people have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

Murphy\'s 10 Lesser Known Laws

 
 
 

1.         Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you listen to them.
 
 
2.         Change is inevitable, except of course from a vending machine.
 
 
3.         Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
 
 
4.         Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
 
 
5.         The 50-50-90 rule:
            Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
 
 
6.         If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to overtake them, six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
 
 
7.         The things that come to those who wait will usually be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
 
 
8.         The shin bone is a device used for finding furniture in a dark room.
 
 
9.         A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.
 
 
10.       When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't creative enough to get out of jury duty.
 

Bumper Stickers for Seniors

Perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70 and older!

Someone  had to remind me, so I'm reminding you  too.

Don't  laugh.....it is all true...these are the perks

of reaching 60  and  heading  towards 70 and older!

  
 1. There  is nothing left  to learn the  hard way.

 2. Your  joints are more accurate meteorologists than

the national weather  service

3. No  one expects you to run----anywhere.

4. People  call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People  no longer view you  as a hypochondriac.

6. You  no longer think of  speed limits as  a challenge.

 7. Things  you buy now won't wear out...

8.   You  can eat supper at 4pm.

9. You  can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. Your  secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember  them either.

 11. You  quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the  room.

 12. You  can't remember who sent you this list 

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill

& a laxative on the same night

 
 

Perks of reaching 60 and heading towards 70 and older!

Someone  had to remind me, so I'm reminding you  too.

Don't  laugh.....it is all true...these are the perks

of reaching 60  and  heading  towards 70 and older!

  
 1. There  is nothing left  to learn the  hard way.

 2. Your  joints are more accurate meteorologists than

the national weather  service

3. No  one expects you to run----anywhere.

4. People  call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People  no longer view you  as a hypochondriac.

6. You  no longer think of  speed limits as  a challenge.

 7. Things  you buy now won't wear out...

8.   You  can eat supper at 4pm.

9. You  can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. Your  secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember  them either.

 11. You  quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the  room.

 12. You  can't remember who sent you this list 

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill

& a laxative on the same night

 
 

NEW ELDERLY CARE PROGRAMME OFFERS HOPE

The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand.

Join the new free care plan today. If you are 60 years or older, you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.

You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England ), one MSP, one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without.

As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure of being caught, and, in due course, sent to prison.

There you will get a safe centrally heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games, plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!

New teeth needed? No problem.

New glasses? They'll be provided.

New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart? They're all covered too.

And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care.

And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.

Britain . A GREAT country or what?

A lovely Australian Poem.

This has something for everyone - if you know the bush, it will appeal to you.

If you work in the oil industry, there is something in it for you
too, if you have a sense of humour - well, it might test it a little.

If you are not an Australian, then you may need an Aussie to explain it to you.

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers 'round his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,

Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.

But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--

Well, he always used to hold his breath,

Until he heard the splash!!

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits as yoga !

---------------------------------------------------------------
Savasana
Position of total relaxation. 

 

                                                      ---------------------------------------------------------------

Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm. 

---------------------------------------------------------------
Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs. 

---------------------------------------------------------------
Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midrif area and the spinal column. 

---------------------------------------------------------------
Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia. 

---------------------------------------------------------------
Dolphin
Excelent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms. 

---------------------------------------------------------------
Salambhasana
Great excercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area. 

---------------------------------------------------------------
Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles. 

Pigeon
Tones the body, and builds flexibility and helps get rid of 'stress'. 
---------------------------------------------------------------

All those years....When I saw people like this............... I had no idea that they were actually exercising!!!!

 

 

Sad but true for our ( tenant) farmers!

A man owned a small farm in Devon . The Inland Revenue claimed he was not
paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview
him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the
rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.'

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.'

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He
also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to..the half-wit,' says the agent…………………………………..

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

 

SEX AT 82!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 55 .....
so it's not far to walk home afterwards! 

 

 

GUIDO

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he turned to her with a smile,

"So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled.

” You finish?" he asked.

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes and smiled proudly.

"You finish?" he asked one more time.

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear:

"No, I Norwegian."

 

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes .

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied…………………………….

'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

 

She just died and left me everything

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney.

He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
 

Eve\'s story

 

 

 

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,  God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?'  'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.  It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain..'  And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.  'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'  And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes    Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.  ' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'  'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'  God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see, where did I put that useless Tit?'  Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
 

If My Body Were a Car

Why exercise frightens me

What do
these women
think is
going to happen
 
to all
this extra body when
 
they stop
weight training??

Remind me
to NEVER exercise again!
 
That's
my story and I am sticking to it!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 

Why are women more Attractive?

When you have an \'I Hate My Job day\'

 

 

 

 

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is PERSONALLY TESTED and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY ; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour person!
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

 

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can
safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world
today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...... ...leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,
last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

B.O.O.M.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
 

Iceland

1. It's a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes. We should wait awhile for
the dust to settle.

2. I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are
accusing them of harbouring a "weapon of ash eruption".

3. It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread
over Europe.

4. Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has
insurance scam written all over it.

5. Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

6. Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup. I know, it's a no-fly zone.

7. Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an
airport who fall in love. The working title is "Lava Actually."

8. I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen
sausages, a chocolate gateau, and some fish fingers. I realised it must be
the fallout from Iceland.

9. Volcano in Iceland. What next, Earthquake in Asda?

10. What's the capital of Iceland? 25 cents.