Thursday, 23 September 2010
Monday, 20 September 2010
Important Women\'s Health Issue
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Please share this with other women who may need Margaritas.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
This Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt..
6. Put window up.
7.. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt...
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH,
AND TO THE LADIES who can handle it.... they need a laugh, too!
Sunday, 12 September 2010
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Monday, 6 September 2010
Retirement At 65
Upon reaching 65, I decided to retire. After having me under foot for a few months,
my wife became very agitated with me. She suggested I go and do something to occupy
my time, like join a club or get a hobby. I obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to
the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You crazy old coot, where's your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
A DENTIST WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR ....
The other day, a gentleman went to the
Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist took out a needle
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man
immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought
of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he
has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words,said in amazement,
"WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you
something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth"
