HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a Customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your Husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all Verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's Trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to Feminine Products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing Department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor
Gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the Antidepressants
were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna' look using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, Yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices
again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

We thank you for your patronage, but please leave your husband at home.
Tesco.

Banbury.

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read
the
Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

 

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----HILARIOUS!

This letter is a thing of great beauty (even if the language is a bit strong)...You definitely feel the guy's pain!

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot
believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone
number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back
in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody
born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have
on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for
the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license,
my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those
stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being
allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable
census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be
abso-f*cking-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I
die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an'
me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my f*cking address !!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes
workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden?

I
don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes. I just want to go
and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please
tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in
the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a
chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*cking people I'd
want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy
city to get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of
£30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same
spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd
rather have us running all over the f*ckin' place like chickens with our
heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's
really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed
to smile?! (bureaucratic f*ckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since
1776 ......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years
and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me
to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. .........
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know,
someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING PAKISTAN !

Sincerely,

The Glasgow Brothel!!

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upsta irs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

Can You Spot Him?

The following was sent to me via my local hospital service!

How long does it take you to find the man in the coffee bean picture? More than 30 seconds? More than a minute?

This is bizarre - after you find the guy – it's so obvious.

Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, 'Why didn't I see him immediately?'

Which one is YOU?

1) Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people.

2) If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally.

3) If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein.

4) If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

And, yes, the man is really there!!

After you find the man in the beans forward this page to your brainy friends.

 

The following was sent to me via my local hospital service!

How long does it take you to find the man in the coffee bean picture? More than 30 seconds? More than a minute?

This is bizarre - after you find the guy – it's so obvious.

Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, 'Why didn't I see him immediately?'

Which one is YOU?

1) Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, the right half of your brain is better developed than most people.

2) If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, the right half of the brain is developed normally.

3) If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein.

4) If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!

And, yes, the man is really there!!

After you find the man in the beans forward this page to your brainy friends.