Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Sunday, 10 April 2011
BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for ' cherrypickers ' and ' cheesemongers ' ?
Contestant:
Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They ' re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn ' t my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There ' s a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don ' t know.
Stewart White:
I ' ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you ' re not weak, you ' re...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten ' s first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let ' s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don ' t know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi ' s first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don ' t know, I wasn ' t watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What ' s 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don ' t know.
Phil:
I ' ll give you a clue. It ' s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I ' m sorry, I don ' t know the names of any countries in Spain ...
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world ' s largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O ' BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O ' Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn ' t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ............ Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM ' S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It ' s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What ' K ' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ...... ..
Phil Wood:
It ' s got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . ..
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That ' s close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for ' cherrypickers ' and ' cheesemongers ' ?
Contestant:
Homosexuals..
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They ' re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:
Geography isn ' t my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There ' s a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
I don ' t know.
Stewart White:
I ' ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you ' re not weak, you ' re...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten ' s first name?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France .
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let ' s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don ' t know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi ' s first name?
Contestant:
Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:
I don ' t know, I wasn ' t watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What ' s 11 squared?
Contestant:
I don ' t know.
Phil:
I ' ll give you a clue. It ' s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . . .
Contestant:
Er .. .......
Richard:
He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:
Barcelona .
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I ' m sorry, I don ' t know the names of any countries in Spain ...
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world ' s largest continent?
Contestant:
The Pacific..
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta?
JAMES O ' BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O ' Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan .
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn ' t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:
Er ............ Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM ' S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet..
Contestant:
Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It ' s a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What ' K ' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:
Er... ...... ..
Phil Wood:
It ' s got two syllables . . . Kor .
Contestant:
Blimey?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . ..
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant:
Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That ' s close enough.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:
Jesus.
The amazing human body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kilos
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires
only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $9.50 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do
Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes. No
wonder men are happier.
Who\'s the Daddy?
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's the Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks .
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced .
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...
7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordo Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized .
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
The White House loo
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get
acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bil
Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,'
he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!'
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she
told Hillary how impressed George had been at his
discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a
gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled, and said to Bill:..................
'I found out who pissed in your saxophone.'
