A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Friday, 24 October 2008
STICK TO ENGLISH
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!"
At this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained.
What the doctor should have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
POLICE FEELS A REAL PRICK
A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition.
The police were dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels from the dog's mouth.
After inspection of the parts by the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
NOTICE ON CAR
Just last weekend on Friday night we parked in a public
parking area. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the
rear window of the car. When I took it off after I got home,
it was a receipt for petrol. Luckily my friend told me not to
stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the
car.
parking area. As we drove away I noticed a sticker on the
rear window of the car. When I took it off after I got home,
it was a receipt for petrol. Luckily my friend told me not to
stop as it could be someone waiting for me to get out of the
car.
Then we received this email yesterday:
'WARNING FROM WEST MIDLANDS POLICE
BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE--NEW WAY TO DO CAR JACKINGS (NOT A JOKE)'
You walk across the car parking , unlock your car and get inside. You
start the engine and shift into Reverse.When you look into the rear view mirror to back out of your parking space, you notice a piece of paper stuck to the middle of the rear window. So, you shift into neutral, unlock your doors and jump out of your car to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view.
When you reach the back of your car, that is when the carjackers appear out of nowhere, jump into your car and take off. They practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.
And guess what, ladies? I bet your purse is still in the car.
So now the carjacker has your car, your home address, your
money, and your keys. Your home and your whole identity are
now compromised!
BEWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME THAT IS NOW BEING USED.
If you see a piece of paper stuck to your back window, just
drive away. Remove the paper later. And be thankful that you
read this e-mail. I hope you will forward this to friends and
family, especially to women. A purse contains all kinds of
personal information and identification d o cuments, and you certainly do NOT want this to fall into the wrong hands.
Please pass this on.
Monday, 1 September 2008
DO MEN REMEMBER
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
POSTMAN PATS RETIREMENT SEND OFF
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns in the UK.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house, they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All this was just wonderful and I'm truly grateful,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you.'
'I asked him what to give you. 'He said, 'F*ck him. Give him a fiver'.'
Saturday, 30 August 2008
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP - IRISH COFFEE
"An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'"
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'"
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
BBC - Comedy
Comedy, British, Absolutely Fabulous, The Office, Extras, Alan Partridge, Little Britain, Only Fools and Horses, Blackadder, TV, UK, DVD, upcoming, games, quizzes, Comedy Soup
The portal to all things comedy on bbc.co.uk. Watch clips, listen to full programmes and find out what's coming up in the world of BBC Comedy
The portal to all things comedy on bbc.co.uk. Watch clips, listen to full programmes and find out what's coming up in the world of BBC Comedy
Monday, 11 August 2008
PARIS HILTON NUDE
Read More Here:: "Paris Hilton is best known through the television series The Simple Life. Paris has appeared in minor film roles, most notably in the horror film House of Wax in 2005. In 2004 Paris Hilton published a tongue-in-cheek autobiography.
In 2006, she released her debut album Paris. Hilton's career pursuits include singing, modeling, acting, writing, and television. As a result of several legal incidents, Hilton served a widely publicized sentence in a Los Angeles County jail facility in 2007.
Paris Hilton is Google's Nos.1 most searched for person in 2006. Unlike the rest of us who stay at home on the run-up to the New – Year or surf the web. The international party girl and love of the paparazzi, Paris Hilton
Since then Nude photos of Paris have plastered the web. Just type in Paris Hilton nude or Paris Hilton Topless or just plain old paris Hilton and you'll find ll sorts of stuff like this:"
In 2006, she released her debut album Paris. Hilton's career pursuits include singing, modeling, acting, writing, and television. As a result of several legal incidents, Hilton served a widely publicized sentence in a Los Angeles County jail facility in 2007.
Paris Hilton is Google's Nos.1 most searched for person in 2006. Unlike the rest of us who stay at home on the run-up to the New – Year or surf the web. The international party girl and love of the paparazzi, Paris Hilton
Since then Nude photos of Paris have plastered the web. Just type in Paris Hilton nude or Paris Hilton Topless or just plain old paris Hilton and you'll find ll sorts of stuff like this:"
Sunday, 3 August 2008
HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR SOFA?
HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR SOFA?: "Before posting this note I asked my son, Ben,
to check the sofas in our house for any loose change
that he could find. He came up with $5.47 out of two
sofas and a reclining chair.
Well this is perfect!"
More Here: HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR SOFA
to check the sofas in our house for any loose change
that he could find. He came up with $5.47 out of two
sofas and a reclining chair.
Well this is perfect!"
More Here: HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR SOFA
DAILY CHUCK CHEER UP - THE LOVE DRESS
DAILY CHUCK CHEER UP - THE LOVE DRESS: "A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music
was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for John to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law
answered."
More Here: DAILY CHUCK CHEER UP - THE LOVE DRESS
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music
was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for John to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law
answered."
More Here: DAILY CHUCK CHEER UP - THE LOVE DRESS
Friday, 1 August 2008
DAILY CHEER UP CHUCKLE - MRS. BECKHAM
DAILY CHEER UP CHUCKLE - MRS. BECKHAM: "Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo.
Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.
Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.
'Is it alright?' asked Victoria Beckham.
The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'
'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'"
Read More Here: DAILY CHEER UP CHUCKLE - MRS. BECKHAM
Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow.
Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.
'Is it alright?' asked Victoria Beckham.
The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.'
'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'"
Read More Here: DAILY CHEER UP CHUCKLE - MRS. BECKHAM
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP - APPLES NEW COMPUTER CHIP
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP - APPLES NEW COMPUTER CHIP: "Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iBreast will cost �499 to �599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."
The iBreast will cost �499 to �599.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."
TRUE SIGNS & NOTICES
TRUE SIGNS & NOTICES: "These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
On a store front in Florida:
'Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!'
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey:
'Smile, You're on Radar!'
Seen in a State Park in California:
'Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado.'
Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS"
On a store front in Florida:
'Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!'
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey:
'Smile, You're on Radar!'
Seen in a State Park in California:
'Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado.'
Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS"
IS HE DEAD
IS HE DEAD: "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'.
The operator says 'Calm down. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'"
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'.
The operator says 'Calm down. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'"
FUN FACTS FROM THE LAUGH LAB
FUN FACTS FROM THE LAUGH LAB: "We counted the number of words in every joke that people submitted. According to the data, jokes containing 103 words are the funniest.
Many of the jokes submitted contained reference to animals. We found that jokes mentioning ducks are funnier than others. Perhaps it's because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear – if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck."
Many of the jokes submitted contained reference to animals. We found that jokes mentioning ducks are funnier than others. Perhaps it's because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear – if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck."
Friday, 25 July 2008
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP - MASCULINE OR FEMININE COMPUTERS
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP - MASCULINE OR FEMININE COMPUTERS: "was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine."
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP - MASCULINE OR FEMININE COMPUTERS
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP - MASCULINE OR FEMININE COMPUTERS: "was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine."
Monday, 21 July 2008
TAX AUDITOR
TAX AUDITOR: "At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles, What do you do with the candle drippings?'"
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles, What do you do with the candle drippings?'"
TEST FOR IDIOCY
TEST FOR IDIOCY: "Below are four ( 4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are...."
Let's find out just how clever you really are...."
SHEEP SHAGGA
SHEEP SHAGGA: "Just as the seriousness of this bizaare act sinks in you are struck by an unintended pun in the last line (outined in red).
A Briton has been arrested on suspicion of carrying out a series of sex attacks on sheep, London police said on Friday."
A Briton has been arrested on suspicion of carrying out a series of sex attacks on sheep, London police said on Friday."
Friday, 18 July 2008
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP LITTLE OLD LADY
DAILY CHUCKLE CHEER UP LITTLE OLD LADY
Defense Attorney:* Will you please state your age?'. Click the above link to see full article.
Defense Attorney:* Will you please state your age?'. Click the above link to see full article.
CHUCKLE CHEER UP POLICE COLLEGE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
Crazy Police college caper
Click the above link to see full article.
WILL YOU BUY MY HORSE
WILL YOU BUY MY HORSE
Does anyone of you want the following I'm only looking for one person so first come first served?
Does anyone of you want the following I'm only looking for one person so first come first served?
Thursday, 3 July 2008
MAN GETS MACHETE IN HEAD - OUCH
>> Created by eLertGadget.com
>> Read the original article here
The most graphic pictures of a splitting headache ever recorded.
You need to see each picture to see the full impact of what has taken place…
Yes these are real and yes the guy has got something which looks like a machete embedded in his head.
He must have upset someone BIG TIME!!
>> Read the original comedy article here
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHALES AND DOLPHINS
>> Created by eLertGadget.com
>> Read the original article here
OK, some of you land-locked people are having trouble discerning what the differences are between Dolphins & Whales.
Ya'll need to go back to Aquatic Biology 101 and take ol' lady Snod grass's class again.
I figured you would opt out and do the smart thing. Open your books then.
There'll be a short test at the end of this chapter.
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