A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
The golfer replies: 'My good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English?'
The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail-
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries
CEO's are now playing miniature golf-
B.P. laid off 25 Congressmen-
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced-
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank-
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her-
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico-
A picture is now only worth 200 words-
They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates-
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal: The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear-
And finally I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc that I called the Suicide Hotline. It rang into a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!.
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly....
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be fuc**d!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at B and Q, either.'
How can a Wife really explain this one ???
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and large. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
Justice for all.
Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies,
and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental
and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out..
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be
helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be
ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals
and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. radio, and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised,
lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week, live in a tiny room, and pay
$5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. "You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only Invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite worktops."
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. "You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only Invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite worktops."
A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to
nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO
baby talk!
’You need to use 'Big People' words,’ she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend.
’I went to visit my Nana.’
’No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!’
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
’I took a ride on a choo-choo.’
She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words.’
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
’I read a book’, he replied.
’That's WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said. ‘What book did you read?’
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said.......
’Winnie the SHIT.’
Get ready for this one - and think about the wording....!!.
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
An elderly man on a MoPed, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The MoPed driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my MoPed!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the MoPed!
Amazed that the MoPed could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the MoPed at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the MoPed bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the MoPed plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'
WHO SAID (these mostly British) FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?
"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's
the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life,
and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper
"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're
knocked out."
Peter Shilton
"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore
"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first
minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even
though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush
"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison
"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Mitchell Thomas
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry
A guy is driving around
the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and
the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag
and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids
the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
"What would they want with a plasterer??!"
If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster.......
... I mean, seriously, would you really quit drinking ???
Sounds like a plan that would fix up any country to me!
Dear Prime Minister
(whoever you are)
Please find below our suggestion for fixing Britain 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them 1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
and
There's your money back in duty/tax etc
6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading
scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the
greedy bastards to reduce their pollution's emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know
If not, please disregard.
Yours sincerely,
The People of Great Britain
