Ford sells Volvo to China\'s biggest private carmaker for £1.2bn

China’s ambitions for global growth were underlined yesterday when Ford agreed to sell Volvo Cars to Zhejiang Geely Holding, the country’s largest private carmaker.

The £1.2 billion deal, signed in Gothenburg, marks the biggest acquisition yet of an overseas carmaker by a Chinese company. It comes only weeks after China officially overtook the United States as the world’s leading car market. This month Geely also took a controlling 51 per cent stake in Manganese Bronze, the maker of black London taxis.

The purchase of Volvo Cars, for a sum slightly less than than the £1.25 billion believed to have been under discussion in December, will help to protect about 19,000 jobs worldwide at Volvo.

The transaction also positions Geely, until now little known outside its home country, among the foremost players in the industry.

Geely, whose car division was founded in 1997, paid £1.07 billion ($1.6 billion) in cash plus a £134 million note for the marque, which has not made a full-year profit since 2005 and which Ford had been trying to offload since 2008. However, Ford, which paid £4.3 billion for Volvo in 1999, said yesterday that adjustments for pension deficits, debt, cash and working capital that it was obliged to cover would leave it facing a “significant” reduction to the cash proceeds.

Keen to preserve the Volvo brand, Li Shufu, the Geely chairman, who began eyeing up the Swedish rival in 2007 on the advice of Rothschild, the investment bank, said yesterday that Volvo would retain its Swedish identity and would be run independently from its existing headquarters.

Mr Shufu also emphasised that the plants in Belgium and Sweden would remain the company’s main manufacturing base, in response to unions’ fears about job losses.

Output will be given a boost by a new plant in China capable of building 300,000 vehicles a year. Geely expects that Volvo could sell a further 200,000 cars a year in China.

Mr Shufu said: “I see Volvo as a tiger. The tiger belongs to a forest; it can’t be found in a zoo. We need to liberate this tiger. The tiger has a heart and it lies in Sweden [and] in Belgium — but its power should be projected all over the world.

“I see China as one of the markets where Volvo can show it has the opportunity to liberate itself.”

Ford, which also manufactures the Lincoln and Mercury brands, said that the deal would enable it to sharpen its focus on building the Ford brand around the world.

The company, which has also disposed of Jaguar, Land Rover and Aston Martin since 2007, will continue to supply Volvo with components and other services during a handover period.

Stephen Odell, the chief executive of Volvo, said: “The Volvo management team fully endorses Ford’s sale of Volvo Cars to Geely. We believe this is the right outcome for the business and will provide Volvo Cars with the necessary resources, including the capital investment, to strengthen the business and to continue to move it forward in the future.”

The deal is the latest in a string of attempts by Chinese car manufacturers to expand globally. Beijing Automotive Industry agreed in December to acquire parts of General Motors’ Saab division. Meanwhile, last month Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery backed out of a planned purchase of General Motors’ Hummer brand after the deal failed to gain government approval in China.

Rebecca Lindland, an IHS Global Insight analyst, said: “This could set the benchmark for more Chinese deals to come. It potentially could allow Geely to come into the West with its own brand of vehicles.”

The Chinese car industry is the biggest in the world by sales volumes, after receiving a huge boost from 50 per cent growth in domestic vehicle sales last year.

Geely, which operates six car assembly and power-train manufacturing plants in China, as well as a number in Ukraine, Russia and Indonesia, has a workforce of about 11,000, making models such as its Geely FC, MK and LC models. Its sales target for this year is 400,000 units, which would represent a 23 per cent increase on last year.

Volvo sold 324,000 cars in 2009, down 10 per cent on 2008 figures. However, Volvo sales in the United States were up by 40 per cent in the first two months of this year.

The takeover, subject to regulatory approval, is expected to be completed in the third quarter of 2010 and is subject to regulatory approval.

Birth and pain

 
  
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested .Both said they were very much in favour of it.
 
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
 
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Angel in a Box

 

 

REMEMBER: TATTOOS ARE FOREVER!

This man had what he thought was the best tattoo in the world..

 ...until he went to prison.

Adult joke

MODIFICATIONS TO MY COMPUTER

After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other problems,  I have fixed my computer... and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
 

 

Australian joke

It's a slow day in a dusty little Australian town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

He gives him keys to a few rooms and as soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his drinks bill at the local pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local pr-stitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the motel and pays off her room bill to the motel owner with the $100.
The motel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Australian Government is conducting business today...

 

 

Fairy tale

Mobile Phone Rudeness

One of my pet peeves is the almost constant
Use of mobile phones by people while driving,
Shopping, dining, in line at the store, etc.

Does no one know how to say,
'I'll call you back?'  Well, it has gone
Beyond that now with phones being used in
Supposedly relaxing getaway places such as
The beach. This is beyond inconsiderate.

While on the beach recently,
I had to sit there and listen to this
Woman chatter on for at least an hour as
She pranced back and forth in front of me.

I couldn't concentrate on my book

 

How thoughtless and inconsiderate
can she be?

 

Computer Repair

Caller :                              Hi, our printer is not working. 

Customer Service:              What is wrong with it?
 
Caller :                             Mouse is jammed.
 
Customer Service:             Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse !

Caller:                              Oh really?..  I will send a picture.

 

.

 

Just one question

LOVE THIS

 

Recently, in a large city in Australia,

a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

 

It said, "This summer,

do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

 

A middle-aged woman,

whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,

responded publicly to the question

posed by the gym.

 

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)

They have an active sex life,

get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.

They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas,

seeing wonderful places like Patagonia,

the Bering Sea

and the coral reefs of Polynesia.

 

Whales are wonderful singers

and have even recorded CDs.

 

They are incredible creatures

and virtually have no predators

other than humans.

 

They are loved, protected and admired

by almost everyone in the world.

 

Mermaids don't exist.

 

If they did exist,

they would be lining up outside the offices

of Argentinean psychoanalysts

due to identity crisis.

 

Fish or human?

 

They don't have a sex life

because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?

 

Just look at them .. where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention,

who wants to get close to a girl who smells

like a fish store?

 

The choice is perfectly clear to me:

I want to be a whale.

 

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you.

We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty.'

'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes
eleven.'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have
managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor..'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers.

Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!

We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy,
that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.

My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites..

And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day..
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy.
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
 

Irish Mail Order Catalogue

The second one replies, 
'Yes, they are very beautiful. 
And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 
'Wow, they aren't very expensive. 
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful 
As she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, 
The youngest redneck IRISHMAN asks his friend, 
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered 
From the catalogue?' 

The second IRISHMAN replies......

YOU'LL LOVE IT!

'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
She sent all her clothes yesterday.

Women like that are hard to find

DEVELOPMENT APPLICATION.

JUST APPLIED FOR PLANNING PERMISSION TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE.
IT WAS GOING TO BE 100ft TALL 400ft WIDE WITH 9 TURRETS AT VARIOUS HEIGHTS

WINDOWS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND A LOUD OUTSIDE ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.
IT WOULD HAVE PARKING FOR 200 CARS AND I WAS GOING TO PAINT IT SNOT GREEN
WITH CRAPPY PINK TRIM.

THE COUNCIL PLANNING DEPARTMENT TOLD ME POLITELY TO F---K OFF

SO I SENT IN THE APPLICATION AGAIN

BUT THIS TIME CALLED IT A MOSQUE

NOT ONLY
DOES THE WORK START MONDAY BUT OUR
LABOUR GOVERNMENT HAVE CHIPPED IN WITH HALF THE COST.
 

How to make a woman happy

To make a women happy, a man needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention,

but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time,

especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

 

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

 

Two Hands

Rules are rules

Another Nun and Priest

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without any warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.' 'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.' …

'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. stick it in that bloody camel and let's get the out of here!'

 

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

 

 

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,"Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working; at your age I think it’s remarkable."

Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."

George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I don't believe I've ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"

George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in you right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"

George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes."

Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"

George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet."

OLD IS WHEN...

 

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two

drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

and make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'

 

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

on your new alligator shoes

and you're barefoot.

 

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy

and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

 

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless

pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

 

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

 

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action'

means you don't need to take any fiber today.

 

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

in the parking lot.

 

 

'OLD'IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

to use the bathroom.

 

 

AND

 

 

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You are not sure these are jokes?

 

Them Irish again

 

POEM for Computer Boffs

The computer swallowed grandpa.
Yes, honestly its true! 
He pressed 'control and 'enter' 
And  disappeared from view.

It devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
he must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm. 

I've searched through the recycle bin 
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet, 
But nothing did I find. 

In  desperation, I asked Jeeves    
My searches to refine. 
The reply from him was negative, 
Not a thing was found 'online.'    

So, if inside your 'Inbox,' 
My Grandpa you should see, 
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' him
And send him back to me.

This is a  tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the Computer.... ..... 

They are  the greatest!!!       

    

We do not stop playing because we grow old;

We grow old because we stop playing .

                   NEVER Be The First To Get Old!
 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


 

Amazing Anagrams

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.  Someone out there  must be "deadly" at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!  PRESBYTERIAN:  When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER  ASTRONOMER:  When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER  DESPERATION:  When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT  THE EYES:  When you rearrange the letters:  THEY SEE  GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:  HE BUGS GORE  THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:  HERE COME DOTS   DORMITORY:  When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM  SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:  CASH LOST IN ME  ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY  ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters:  LIES - LET'S RECOUNT  SNOOZE ALARMS:  When you rearrange the letters:  ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S  A DECIMAL POINT:  When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE  THE EARTHQUAKES:  When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE  ELEVEN PLUS TWO:  When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE  AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:  MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:  WOMAN HITLER  Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

Password

During a recent Password Audit at the Bank of Ireland, it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied,

"Bejazus are yez all stupid? Shore oi was told me password had to be at
least 8 characters long and include one capital."

Don't ever think you can outwit the Irish!

 

The Origin of the White Wedding Dress

A son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'  The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

"Son, ALL household appliances come in white !"

 

Live dangerously, lads

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN  - WHO WROTE THIS!

Universal Laws

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will..

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

 

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad wrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

The Donkey

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Box Of Tampons

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Testicle Therapy

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