PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.
 
Something he will use to log on.
 
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
 
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P...e.....n...i..s

His wife practically fell out of the chair laughing when the computer replied:

**** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Bundy Rum Fishing Story

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! (For you o/seas people a King Brown are one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world top 10, Australia has 5.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

NEW Bed

Dublin Tram Crash

Brilliant! You couldn't make it up!!


see advert on side of bus! begorrah!

Dublin Tram Crash Wednesday, 24 February, 2010, at 9:14

This is the collision between a Dublin Bus and a Dublin Tram

 

The Wheels of Life

My Scooter

I bought myself a new scooter.

I wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store
And about town. This seems to meet my EVERY need.

I love it!

Remember:
Senior Citizens Are Valuable!
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations.
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and,
We are loaded with natural gas! 

Woman\'s Poem

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....

Like his mother used to do.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 70 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Live each day as if there is no tomorrow!

 

 

 

Honourable Men

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"

 

 

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

STOP YELLING

Royal Marines Ringtone

Harley Biker

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ' Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life. '

The Harley rider replies, ' Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right. '

The reporter says, ' Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have? '

The biker replies,
' I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican. '
The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days 

Towel Heads

Probably enough here to offend everybody

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

Not very pc

a) In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

b) One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Blacks is not the correct answer

c) I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's ipod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

d) George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

e) My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker

f) There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in town but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

g) You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

h) A mate of mine has just told me he's sh*gging his girlfriend and her identical twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

i) A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

DEVELOPMENT APPLICATION

I JUST APPLIED FOR PLANNING PERMISSION TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE.

IT WAS GOING TO BE 100ft TALL 400ft WIDE WITH 9 TURRETS AT VARIOUS HEIGHTS
AND WINDOWS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND A LOUD OUTSIDE ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.
IT WOULD HAVE PARKING FOR 200 CARS AND I WAS GOING TO PAINT IT SNOT GREEN WITH
CRAPPY PINK TRIM.

THE COUNCIL PLANNING DEPARTMENT TOLD ME POLITELY TO BUGGER OFF

SO I SENT IN THE APPLICATION AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME CALLED IT A MOSQUE,

NOT ONLY DOES THE WORK START MONDAY BUT THE GOVERNMENT HAVE CHIPPED IN
WITH HALF THE COST.

(From our Australian friends)

Why the U.K. is in deep trouble.

The UK is in DEEP trouble...

The population of this country is
approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work..

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan ..

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,
Sitting on your arse,
At your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

What\'s in a Name?

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!'

Honesty test

This is a real tough one!!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in London There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer ... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realise who it is...........................................

...................It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza.

 

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer ......

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a chemist, and the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet ....... ate the cookies ........ drank the milk ...... pood on the paper ....... screwed the other three cats ........ and claimed he injured his back while doing so.

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions ...... put in for workers compensation .................. and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

 

 

 

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Gas chamber (NOT FOR KIDS)

GAS CHAMBER

 

I'm only sending this to those I know are in favour of the death penalty. Violence should have serious consequences, and the punishment should reflect the crime.

The Arkansas Gas Chamber

 

 

 

Not a pretty way to die, but extremely effective. Since this gas chamber was pressed into service... violent crime in Arkansas has dropped by 90%.

Facial Expressions

See if you can solve this one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They are all about to sneeze!

A Boy and his Thomas The Tank Engine

 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of he own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very sensitive and delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need….
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'