IF FAMOUS CHARACTERS HAD JEWISH MOTHERS

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?'

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
'I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write...'

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?'

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!'

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?'

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!'

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!'

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!'

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?'

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
'Desert, schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?'

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
'It would have killed you to become a doctor?'

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
'Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl.'

 

Love Is Blind

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added

…… "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

 

The other stall

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another
question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the
conversation. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Cell phones, don't you just love them.

 

 

To all home cooks GARLIC WARNING!!!!!! - scary!

For years Doctors and scientists have told us

That some food's are good for us only to be told

Later that they bad for us, and again they tell us

That some food's are bad for us, and all the time

They've been good for us and their doesn't seem

To be much proof either way to suggest what is

Good or bad until now that is.

Garlic is definitely BAD for us

 

Help Ban Fox Hunting!!

Smart Arse!!!!

Two businessmen in Cardiff were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."

Pensioners - don't mess with them!!!!!!
 

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal -

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
- Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, altitude and brains . Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it..'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

 

 

My Trip To Costco

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Iam's dog food for my loyal pet, Jett the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Iams Diet again... I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Iams nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day. 

5 Minute MBA Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.





Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.



Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

 

Joke of the Year

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

 

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

 

FOR A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND LADIES WHO CAN HANDLE IT

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty
movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.

"You already know how to play football!"
 

Always Remember... Rules are Rules!

The Good news:
It was a normal day in Sharon Springs Kansas, when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina.

The Bad news:
Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.

The Good news:
A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.

The Bad news:
The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.

The crew tried to explain to higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train!

They were instructed Rules prohibit moving the train when a part is defective!

 

 

 

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds. You'll love it :

 

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.'

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It will make their day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a
firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania .

 

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together and then poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find some thing lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody. 

 
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.  For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their looks odometers.. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth ..
 

Disorder in the American Courts

Unbelievable

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_
_____________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________
__________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
________
______________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

______________________________
___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes..
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
                Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
 
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________
_____ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians
in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation
is so screwed up.

 

THE SENSITIVITY OF SENIORS..

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today

Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,
Edna

 

Massey Ferguson.

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

 

Gone Fishing

Why Fishing is Better than Sex

· You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
· It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
· The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
· If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
· Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago
· It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
· When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
· If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
· Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
· When dealing with Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
· You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy Fishing stuff.
· You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
· There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
· If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
· Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
· Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
· You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favourite activity.
· Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?"
If you go fishing and catch something, that's good; if you make love and catch something, that's bad.
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen.
Fish don't want to know how many fish you've caught in the past.
Fishermen lie about the one that got away; lovers lie about the one they caught.
If you catch and release a fish, you don't have to promise to remain friends afterwards.
You don't have to change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20¢ worm; to catch a woman, it takes at least dinner and a show.
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep while fishing.
· You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your Willy.
· If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole.
· Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20.
· You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish.
· Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home.

 

Apple Divorce

 

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him

an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made

me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for her birthday I got my wife an iRon.

You can visit me at the hospital between 2 and 7 pm ......

 

 

 

Perks of reaching 50+

Someone had to remind me, so I'm
reminding
you, too.

Perks of reaching
50

or being over
60

and heading
toward

70! ,

or 80!

1.
Kidnappers
Are not very
Interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be
Released first.

3.
No one expects
You to run --
Anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM
And ask,
'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer
View you as a
Hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way.
7.
Things you buy now
Won't wear out..

8.
You can eat
Supper at 4 PM..

9.
You can live
'without sex
But not your glasses.

11.
You no longer think
Of speed limits
As a challenge.

12.
You quit trying
To hold
Your stomach in
No matter who walks
Into the room.

13..
You sing along
With elevator music.

14.
Your eyes
Won't get
Much worse.

15 .
Your investment
In health insurance
Is finally beginning
To pay off..

16.
Your joints are more
accurate meteorologists
Than the national
Weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe
With your friends
Because they can't
Remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells
Is finally down to
A manageable size.

19..
You can't remember
Who sent you this list..

And you notice
These are all
In big print
For your convenience.

Forward this
To everyone
You can remember
Right now!

ONE MORE THING:

Never,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill,
And a laxative on
The same night!

Enter Your Elert Content Here

A LAUGH OR TWO

 

The stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 

Man playing from the Ladies Tees

Golfing at 90

Life Long Ambition

Lying about Your Age

Important Women\'s Health Issue:

 

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

* Do you suffer from shyness?

* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist

about Margaritas.

 

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about

yourself and your actions.

 

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world

that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

 

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a

regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you

from living the life you want to live.

 

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover

many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with

Margaritas.

 

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing

should not use Margaritas.

 

However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged

to try it.

 

Side effects may include:

- Dizziness

- Nausea

- Vomiting

- Incarceration

- Erotic lustfulness

- Loss of motor control

- Loss of clothing

- Loss of money

- Table dancing

- Headache

- Dehydration

- Dry mouth

- And a desire to sing Karaoke

 

WARNINGS:

* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when

you are not.

* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and

over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically

converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 

My New Cell Phone

I just got my new cell phone, - and it's one I understand how to operate!!!

 

 

At Last, a Cell Phone for Seniors!

 

 

Some of you are not old enough to get this, but you can pass it on to some old person who needs a laugh today!!!

New Italian Police Car

A new patrol car in the
Italian police force.
Just what they need to catch
speeding drivers

 

 

 

Marriage Deal

This will make you Smile

Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.............

By the end you'll just wish you had a b........ club and a spade.....