Another Irish joke

Finally - - - an honest answer that makes sense to me.

A tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the "bloody' boat."

 

What will you do when you retire?

 

Well here is a new sport for your retirement !!!
 

Working  people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

 

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a shit-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

 

Don\'t laugh.....it is all true.

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!  

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way..

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8.  You can eat supper at 4 PM ..

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses..

10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.  

13.  You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15  . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.  

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Tell this to every one you can remember right now!
And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

A real man

A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.



 



     No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

     Never mind.

 
 

De-stress

A man was weeding his garden and accidentally cut off the tail of their cat which was hiding in the grass.

The cat was rushed along with the tail, over to TESCO'S.

Why TESCO'S??????

HELLOOOOOOOOO? 

TESCO'S is the largest re-tailer in THE UK

 

How bad is that???????

Irish Burial At Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.'

Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'

The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

WAIT FOR IT

'Aye'tis,

NOW hand me da shovel.'

 

Funny Forum Questions And Answers

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
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Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
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Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
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Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.
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Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly - wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.
===========================================================
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
===========================================================

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
===========================================================

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
============================================================

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
===========================================================

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.
===========================================================

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: 'Gosh, I remember these.
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SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?

Technical Support Humour

What I Want In A Man!

Original List: age (20 something)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8... Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8.. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Can tow a Caravan
4. Can cook a BBQ
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Appreciates a good TV dinner
7. Helps with the housework

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

 

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where I have put things
3. Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Stops trying to tell jokes

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
3. Remembers where we both live.

 

 

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket
and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up
a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the
store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get
to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied……………………..

'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'

 

 

Nice little town in Austria

The newspaper article below is even funnier than the sign!

Are the residents called Fuckers?

And what about the Fucking neighborhood?

What are the mothers called?

What would you be learning at the Fucking High School ?

Where is the Fucking Post Office?

Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?

And the Fucking drivers!

If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your Fucking friend.

Is fishing allowed in the Fucking Lake ?

We had a wonderful time at Fucking.

We stayed in a Fucking chalet!

Fucking needs government funding.

Does anyone care about Fucking?

More tidbits, and it gets even funnier! .... Pronounced 'fooking'. The little hamlet of Fucking is named after the man who founded the village in the 6th century. His name? Focko.

The sign says 'Bitte! Nicht so schnell', which in English translates to 'Please! Not so fast!

 

 

Flying the Flag

A professor has found after extensive research that there are two sizes of penis amongst UK men.

There are those which fall within the normal size and those which are less than two inches when erect.

The professor has appealed for help to continue his research.

Could all men in the UK with extremely small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars?

More Than 100% - Are You Kidding Me?

Here's a little something some one sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.) Remember, this is strictly a mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
 

Husband Down

 

WHY DO SOME MEN JUST NOT LEARN ??????
 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths.  The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of  face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

A blonde joke I haven\'t heard before

 

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"

 

 

 

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves.

Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:


1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10 Bikinis and liver spots

11 Mini skirts and varicose veins


And, Most importantly



At some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

Biker bar

I called at your house the other day and was told
you were down at your favourite biker bar with some friends.
I wasn't sure where that was,
but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it.
Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...

 

There is nothing like the feel of the Sun on
your face and the wind in your hair, is there?

Three men with a problem

Three men were hiking through a forest...

When they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.
Poof!!! God gave him big arms and strong legs...

And he was able to swim across in about 2 hours,
Having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!!! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs...

And he was able to row across In about an hour
After almost capsizing once

Seeing what happened to the first two men, The third man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river' Poof!!!

HE WAS TURNED INTO A WOMAN!!!

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream...
And walked across the bridge

Guys, if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!

GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
 

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' 

 

Old age golf

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball,

I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

 

 

Hotel Bills

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high,
you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria
to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on
the road, we were too tired to continue and decide
to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for
four hours and then get back on the road. When we
checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands
us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so
high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel,
the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the
clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool
and a huge conference centre that were available
for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they
are here, and you could have,' explains the
Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'We have the best entertainers from New York ,
Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the
Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well,
we have them, and you could have,' the Manager
replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I
reply, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up
and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the
cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out
for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you
$300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could
have.'